it is so much easier to be stone coal.
to have no emotion, no feeling. just point blank cold.
for me, it is so much easier to laugh it off and pretend it doesn't affect me. easier to give some sarcastic remark. to act like i do not care. act like things have never happened.
does any one else feel this way? that life is better or less confusing when you do not let the problems get to you. or people get close to you.
i feel that keeping people away with a 10 foot pole and never letting them in helps me. but at the same time, i feel like it injures me as well.
why should i allow myself to get close to those who are just going to use me? maybe the problem is that i just do not trust anyone.
i also believe that if people wanted to or cared, they would take the time to actually get to know me. i think that's something that lets me down as well. people do not want to take the time. there are very few people in this world, i feel, that know me truly and completely. i also feel that my poor attempts at trying to get to know others miserably fail or come off as awkward.
if you can get past the jokes and sarcasm, i believe that is when the layers are peeled back to find the real whitney. but few ever see past that. i laugh at the things that people think of me. one that sticks in my mind recently was pinterest girl. haha (yes i laughed, oh the irony that the laugh has within this blog post)
do i really appear that shallow? i hope not.
but to sum this depressing blog post up, i believe the one thing that has been my saving grace so far is love. love, although trying at times, forces me to break the barrier and get past the walls that i build up.
love forces me to feel emotions. instead of a cold, numb heart, i must feel the warmth of love and sometimes even the pain. love of a husband. of family, what friends i do have left. some students. co-workers.
the love i feel from those relationships is love that goes past the first layer others see of me. it is the kind of emotion that causes me to -feel-
maybe thats what scares me the most, is the i actually feel something besides the numbness. and i have to be someone other than the funny, sarcastic girl. it causes me to be vulnerable. weak. transparent.
are those things really so bad? is it so bad the be transparent to others so they can get to know the real you? probably not at all. i am not sure why i am so scared of it. maybe i am just a silly girl after all.
but one thing i do know, love makes me -feel-
to have no emotion, no feeling. just point blank cold.
for me, it is so much easier to laugh it off and pretend it doesn't affect me. easier to give some sarcastic remark. to act like i do not care. act like things have never happened.
does any one else feel this way? that life is better or less confusing when you do not let the problems get to you. or people get close to you.
i feel that keeping people away with a 10 foot pole and never letting them in helps me. but at the same time, i feel like it injures me as well.
why should i allow myself to get close to those who are just going to use me? maybe the problem is that i just do not trust anyone.
i also believe that if people wanted to or cared, they would take the time to actually get to know me. i think that's something that lets me down as well. people do not want to take the time. there are very few people in this world, i feel, that know me truly and completely. i also feel that my poor attempts at trying to get to know others miserably fail or come off as awkward.
if you can get past the jokes and sarcasm, i believe that is when the layers are peeled back to find the real whitney. but few ever see past that. i laugh at the things that people think of me. one that sticks in my mind recently was pinterest girl. haha (yes i laughed, oh the irony that the laugh has within this blog post)
do i really appear that shallow? i hope not.
but to sum this depressing blog post up, i believe the one thing that has been my saving grace so far is love. love, although trying at times, forces me to break the barrier and get past the walls that i build up.
love forces me to feel emotions. instead of a cold, numb heart, i must feel the warmth of love and sometimes even the pain. love of a husband. of family, what friends i do have left. some students. co-workers.
the love i feel from those relationships is love that goes past the first layer others see of me. it is the kind of emotion that causes me to -feel-
maybe thats what scares me the most, is the i actually feel something besides the numbness. and i have to be someone other than the funny, sarcastic girl. it causes me to be vulnerable. weak. transparent.
are those things really so bad? is it so bad the be transparent to others so they can get to know the real you? probably not at all. i am not sure why i am so scared of it. maybe i am just a silly girl after all.
but one thing i do know, love makes me -feel-
