revelation.

recently, i have made a realization about my life.

i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.

i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.

i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.

Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.

for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.

the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was  a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.

since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no,  i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?

either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.

ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)

oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.

   

love.

it is so much easier to be stone coal.

to have no emotion, no feeling. just point blank cold.

for me, it is so much easier to laugh it off and pretend it doesn't affect me. easier to give some sarcastic remark. to act like i do not care. act like things have never happened.

does any one else feel this way? that life is better or less confusing when you do not let the problems get to you. or people get close to you.

i feel that keeping people away with a 10 foot pole and never letting them in helps me. but at the same time, i feel like it injures me as well.

why should i allow myself to get close to those who are just going to use me? maybe the problem is that i just do not trust anyone.

i also believe that if people wanted to or cared, they would take the time to actually get to know me. i think that's something that lets me down as well. people do not want to take the time.  there are very few people in this world, i feel, that know me truly and completely. i also feel that my poor attempts at trying to get to know others miserably fail or come off as awkward.

if you can get past the jokes and sarcasm, i believe that is when the layers are peeled back to find the real whitney. but few ever see past that. i laugh at the things that people think of me. one that sticks in my mind recently was pinterest girl. haha (yes i laughed, oh the irony that the laugh has within this blog post)

do i really appear that shallow? i hope not.

but to sum this depressing blog post up, i believe the one thing that has been my saving grace so far is love. love, although trying at times, forces me to break the barrier and get past the walls that i build up.

love forces me to feel emotions. instead of a cold, numb heart, i must feel the warmth of love and sometimes even the pain. love of a husband. of family, what friends i do have left. some students. co-workers.

the love i feel from those relationships is love that goes past the first layer others see of me. it is the kind of emotion that causes me to -feel-

maybe thats what scares me the most, is the i actually feel something besides the numbness. and i have to be someone other than the funny, sarcastic girl. it causes me to be vulnerable. weak. transparent.

are those things really so bad? is it so bad the be transparent to others so they can get to know the real you? probably not at all. i am not sure why i am so scared of it. maybe i am just a silly girl after all.

but one thing i do know, love makes me -feel-