teaching.

Alas, this semester at school has ended. Although I had become quite fond of something of those students, time came for them to flutter off to bigger and better things.

I believe that hind sight is always 20/20 and only then do you have a picture of how things could have been improved or played out better.

typically, this cycle of thoughts stay with me and help me to improve on the next upcoming angels I may or may not have.

upon looking back, i learned many things from these teens. some was the typical: you are becoming better at your job; it just takes time kind of lesson. others not so much.

as terrible as i believe one particular block to be, i look back with pride knowing that "i got this" and i have more endurance and patience because of them. my only hope, my only wish is that they learned something from me. not out of my own conceit, but out of a desperate hope for their future. i sincerely and utterly hope that the direction they are going is not the direction that they continue in life. my heart truly breaks at the thought that they come through, not just my class, but school to learn nothing but scheming, games, and drama. my hope is that they see there is more to life.

as for me, i do think that many problems are 50/50 each person plays a role in the situation. there is more that i need to understand with the students. i believe that setting the bar too low and no expecting them to surpass it is a great defeat that I caused for this particular group.  i need to remember that each student has the potential to be an Enstein. my job is not only to make sure they can *see* that, but to foster and reveal that to them as well.

here's to next semester! and may it be better for everyone. 

December.

Writing a blog has taken a backseat to my life lately. Not intentionally I don't believe, but just out of habit.

The month is now december and it is one of my favorite times of the year. a time of hope. happiness. love. family. friends. gifts.  Lovely little things that make me believe again in humanity. believe in life.

As for school, I have one more week left before we are out for the break and then get another set of new students to bring in the new semester. I always find it a sad time to see some of those students go into another class and leave me behind, but that's when i have to remember that they are moving on to become lovely, productive law abiding (hopefully) citizens. :)

With all the craziness that has happened to me this past semester, having this season is nice to have because reflection on the past & future makes me realize just how amazing i have it in my life.

other than that, i'll try to update soon! miss writing to you. hope i havent kept you bored readers.

xoxo whitney

thankful.

i always have problems with holidays. they seem to emphasize things that should be an outward expression of emotion throughout the entire year and not just centralized around one particular day or season of the year.

but despite my feelings about that subject, i am thankful for the people in my life. particularly, the ones who are consistently influencing and challenging me to be better. those of recent, and those of old. and those of whom i do not know yet. family. friends. spouse. i am thankful.

have a great thanksgiving all.

much love from this little teacher :)

revelation.

recently, i have made a realization about my life.

i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.

i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.

i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.

Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.

for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.

the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was  a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.

since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no,  i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?

either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.

ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)

oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.

   

love.

it is so much easier to be stone coal.

to have no emotion, no feeling. just point blank cold.

for me, it is so much easier to laugh it off and pretend it doesn't affect me. easier to give some sarcastic remark. to act like i do not care. act like things have never happened.

does any one else feel this way? that life is better or less confusing when you do not let the problems get to you. or people get close to you.

i feel that keeping people away with a 10 foot pole and never letting them in helps me. but at the same time, i feel like it injures me as well.

why should i allow myself to get close to those who are just going to use me? maybe the problem is that i just do not trust anyone.

i also believe that if people wanted to or cared, they would take the time to actually get to know me. i think that's something that lets me down as well. people do not want to take the time.  there are very few people in this world, i feel, that know me truly and completely. i also feel that my poor attempts at trying to get to know others miserably fail or come off as awkward.

if you can get past the jokes and sarcasm, i believe that is when the layers are peeled back to find the real whitney. but few ever see past that. i laugh at the things that people think of me. one that sticks in my mind recently was pinterest girl. haha (yes i laughed, oh the irony that the laugh has within this blog post)

do i really appear that shallow? i hope not.

but to sum this depressing blog post up, i believe the one thing that has been my saving grace so far is love. love, although trying at times, forces me to break the barrier and get past the walls that i build up.

love forces me to feel emotions. instead of a cold, numb heart, i must feel the warmth of love and sometimes even the pain. love of a husband. of family, what friends i do have left. some students. co-workers.

the love i feel from those relationships is love that goes past the first layer others see of me. it is the kind of emotion that causes me to -feel-

maybe thats what scares me the most, is the i actually feel something besides the numbness. and i have to be someone other than the funny, sarcastic girl. it causes me to be vulnerable. weak. transparent.

are those things really so bad? is it so bad the be transparent to others so they can get to know the real you? probably not at all. i am not sure why i am so scared of it. maybe i am just a silly girl after all.

but one thing i do know, love makes me -feel-

dreams.

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

what are dreams if they never come true?
Langston hughes wrote about dreams deferred. I never quite understood what he meant until now. I completely and totally get it.

I have so many things I want to do in life. I feel like some of those things are being pushed aside or put on the back-burner. things like: getting my masters. traveling. the dreams you have when you are young of how life will be when you get old.

so what happens to those dreams? do you just forget they ever existed. i feel like that is lying to yourself. I do not believe life was meant to throw our dreams away. i do realize that while we are younger we are in a different place in life, and as we grow older we have a different outlook and different ideas. however, i feel that these dreams of mine. these wishes, goals are things that are not unreasonable or things that i only wanted and dreamed of when i was younger.

i want to life and enjoy life thoroughly. i want them most of every opportunity. i want people in my life who will enjoy it with me as well.

i wonder what dreams langston hughes had that caused him to write this poem..i wonder if he was influenced by robert frost's the road not taken. maybe he just decided to write about the road not taken, but it is not like he wasn't famous or educated. part of me feels that if mr. hughes and mr. frost himself had dreams that were deferred, then how am i myself every going to accomplish what i want to?

I guess to answer his questions, a dream deferred depends on the person, their drive, and the situation of the dream. I believe that if we let the dream go and never accomplish it then it will feel as he has described; however, there are cases where the dream is only limited for that period in your life.  Basketball would be one of my dreams deferred that I will never be able to do anything about. I was in high school when I quit. If I did not, how would my life had been different? It is a dream that I will never have the potential of experiencing because it will forever be gone. I wonder how many kids realize the impact that the choice (big or small) you make today effect your life in the long run.

However, there are dreams that are still within my grasp. getting my masters, traveling, exploring the world, all those little first year married things. I feel as though I am in that time of my life that if I do not take grasp and control of them now, then I will look back with regret and wish I had taken the opportunity. 

friends.

today, i hung out with friends after school when i watched the saints game.

friends. it feels like the older i get the fewer i have lol
that means im getting old.

i know it has been three and some odd number month years since jonah has passed, but whenever i am having a great time with friends, i usually think about him.

jonah would have gotten along great with my college friends. i even think jonah would have liked matt a lot which is very scary to think about. most people who knew him knew that he was determined to rid us of every boyfriend. but, he was right about the ones he chased off for us.

i feel that every time i laugh, or have a good time, that he could have done the same. it's hard to realize that he chose not to.

so many times during tragedy people say, i think of them every day. or ill never forget them. i have to say, for me its the cold, hard truth. i know its been three years, i know i "should be over it" according to some. but he was my best friend. best.

for fifteen years of friendship, grief doesn't end overnight. i believe i have gotten so much better and stronger from the situation. i still have questions. they will never be answered i am sure. as much as i try to analyze the situation, i'll never understand the emotional depth of what was going on.

but, for me, i do think about him. at least once a day there is some small reminder. i do not think that these are coincidence. some days i dont want to have those reminders; it makes life harder. but most days, i am thankful that his memory is still alive to me.

i know most people will never understand the relationship that jonah and i had. but, it was a soul who's friendship was so closely intertwined that it was almost as if he was truly my brother. he was the one of the only genuine friendships i have ever had. it was the type of friendship that i could give just as much as the other person did. i could come to him with a problem and he wouldnt offer advice. he would just listen. and vice versa. i could go eat mcdonalds and he would make me pay haha. or laugh at me when i feel flat on my face but help me up. or hide my purse from me in every class we had together, everyday, for four years.

i think sometimes when i am with friends, especially guy friends, i try to fill that void that is in my life. in many ways matt fills that void, but that friendship will always be missing. i know that no one can ever take jonah's place and i know that there was really nothing i could have done. but at the same time i wish i could have done more. it is such a complex emotion to experience. knowing there was nothing you could do but never having the chance to be able to try. i am not sure what hurts more.

i know i have ruined "how to save a life" by the fray for people. but the lyrics describe perfectly the emotions I feel:
"where did i go wrong? i lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And i would of stayed up with you all night had i known how to save a life."

my soul aches for that friendship again. i think, as long as i live, i will thirst for just the chance to save a life. 

time.

i just thought about something the other day.

we live, most times, our lives by "wishing for just one more hour" or "more time in the day."  yet, every year we are "given" that extra hour.. kinda (I know we get it back later, but still we are given that extra hour..)

but, what do we do with it? Sleep.

hmm. makes sense why sometimes we feel we get nothing out of life. we "sleep" through the extra parts or the important times we are given.

yesterday, i realized that i did not even notice that the leaves had started to change colors. shame on me for that! i hope i live my life never forgetting to notice the change of colors in the leaves anymore.

coping

Wonderful, beautiful life.

That's what I am suppose to appreciate and have been taught to appreciate especially this week. Life, as I have said previously, has thrown me a huge curve ball. Hearing words that you don't want to ever hear in your life is scary, but this is the unscripted, unedited, ever-changing life i live.

I felt like God had given me my limit three years ago when I lost my best friend, but i feel like right when I am almost at the top of the valley, i've been thrown right back to where I was three years before now.

This is one place that I do not want to go back to. It was dark. Scary. Emotional. Isolating. Depressing. Why am i being sent back here? I feel like I learned my lesson, for the most part? I mean, what lesson is there for someone to learn from the death of a friend so tragically gone from your life? I feel like that is more torture than anything. Same with this problem, its just torture. Does God even have a plan in it?

That is the point I am at right now? Where is God even? Is he even there like people claim because I feel like if he was, then I would hear a word or have some source of comfort. I realize that this is not completely a life or death problem, but it's just one more thing to make me realize the realities of life. Life is never fair.

For those of the few and far between that read my blog :), please don't worry too much. I am just using this as a sounding board really. I just do not understand why things like this happen. Over and over at that. It just does not make sense. I would just like to a specific sign or word that I know that God is doing this for a reason, and not some verse or bible stuff i've heard since negative nine months old. A real event that only God could orchestra. That's what I need. That's what I thirst for. That's what I am not clearly getting. 

wondering

I never have wondered this much until now.

Am I truly making an impact on these students? I almost feel like my second block is turning into a lost cause. Some of the students are wonderful and great, but its the ones who are continuously defense and do not want your help. What are you suppose to do?

It worries me even more now since teachers are being "graded" based off student performance and observations. I am so nervous. As a teacher, I want the highest grade and I want for parents/teachers to feel like they do have a great teacher that produces even better results.

The grading process is just a thing I will have to get use to. I am sure anywhere I go it will be there too.

Tomorrow is one of my greatest friend's birthday's! Ms. Erin Fontenot :) I am so thankful for the friends like her that I have in my life. They are what help get me through..

Well, that's all for now in this intriguing, captivating blog :)

fall break.

why are you ending so soon?

life has thrown be yet another curveball.
I'm just not ready to face it yet.
maybe, i'll go into more detail later.

just for those of you that read, I may or may not fill you in. just say a little prayer for me this week.
i am scared, nervous, and just don't understand clearly what or why things happen.

but, tomorrow is another day. fall break is over. and yet, i am still being taught something every single day. it's all in the days of teaching. <3

surprise.

today, i was passing out papers to get started on practicing for our midterms.

students are not allowed to talk in my class, but all of a sudden i had one start like he was leading a cheer!!

no instead, he was leading the class into singing me happy birthday.


i love my students. sweet, precious students. 

100 days.

Today is 100 days since I have married matthew :) 

100 beautiful days.

life changing days.

loving, wonderful days.

oh to spend 100 more? nah, tens of thousands.

<3

West Texas

With teaching, there are plenty of bad days. Days that you wonder why you even decided to become a teacher.. There are times when you wonder if you should go back to school and do whatever you thought you should've done first.

I've been there a few times, but overall I have always loved it by the end of the day..or week. :)

When I have those bad days, I usually think about West Texas.

Oh, how I love. love. love west texas. All the fresh air it brings. It is truly relaxing to me.

I went to West Texas in the spring of 2010 coming off what I consider to be one of the worst years of my entire life. I lost my best friend Jonah that previous year, and his mother just a couple weeks before the trip. West Texas, well I was worried, but extremely ready to get away. While in West Texas, we climbed a mountain. Well, what I consider a mountain which is anything considering I am in Louisiana.

After an entire year of solid no emotions, insomnia, depression, and counseling, when I reached the top of the mountain I felt peace. For the first time, I felt strength. Emotions I had not felt in an entire year, happiness---I finally felt.

So, those days when I feel that I cannot go another day or that I am doing the wrong job, I just think of west texas. and I think of the indescribable hope, peace, and joy that it brings me.

life.

ah, life.

It is SO busy at times. I feel like I meet myself coming!

School has gotten so much better (hope I am not jinxing myself by typing this) since the beginning of the year! I am enjoying ALL of my classes now and truly can say that I love those juniors. They are just a whole class of fun all day long. Each class is definitely unique and individual on their own; there is no way to pick just one favorite! :)

Sometimes I wonder if students know just how much teachers care about them.

As for things besides school, I miss my family dearly. I miss having friends. But, I think those are just things that happen when you grow up and get married. People i guess think that you are too busy for them? I guess it just happens as you go through life.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband, and I throughly enjoy life with him. He truly is the best in the world. I appreciate the fact that he understands when I am way too tired to do anything or if I have a headache he understands. I could write ten thousand words describing my feelings for him, but I may save that for another time ;)

So, being content in that fact I believe is a good idea. I know friends are definitely not forever and that they come and go; I guess I just did not realize how quickly just because you decide to grow up. But, its okay. That's life, and it's the days of teaching. 

sis-in-law

 niecey & sissy

 brudder & me

 my <3

falling behind?

ugh, there are not enough hours in the day!

I feel like i am constantly falling behind. There's never enough time to grade papers, create wonderful exciting lessons, and spend time with family & friends. Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I alone in this? Is this "newbie teacher problems" or what?

Hopefully I will be able to catch up, but I have never seemed to have this problem last year so whats up? Maybe I am not in the routine of things. Who knows.

On a side note, today was possibly one of the worst days I have had teaching or at least in the top 10 :)
Despite all the ups and downs, I did get to see the world through one of my student's eyes today. What she has experienced so far in life is way beyond what I have words to comfort her for. I applaud students like her for making it as far as she has in life. I know I probably have those type students a dime a dozen, but very rarely do I get to actually hear and see it.

It way a light in the middle of the darkness today. Quite literally :) 

Learning

School has started maybe more quickly than I wanted, but I am now in my 2nd week of school. Fortunately, my wish for "just one more week off and i'll be okay" was granted this week when lovely hurricane isaac decided to grace ourselves with his presence.  (well, actually he never came) 

But, either way I have another school week off which will be very nice for me.

So far, the school year has started off a bit rocky. I guess as a teacher you think you learn it all after some period of time, but I am seeing that it is definitely not the case. This school year is quite more challenging than last year. Well, I dont know if I would say more challenging or just different challenges that I am facing this go around. 

One thing I do know for sure is that I am learning that you never do quit learning. There is always some new student who challenges your wonderfully typed five page classroom management plan or the one who forces you to go back to the books to analyze a piece of literature in a different light. However, whomever the student or whatever the challenge they present to me, I am a better teacher and a better person for it.

As for my personal life, I feel like I am learning many lessons as well. How many friends do you truly have after you get married? How do you communicate with your partner? How do you balance each others lives and needs? Is who I am as a person just disappearing? How do I make my opinion be heard? How do I balance life, work, home, family? Who really cares; who really doesnt? Of course, I do not have all the answers to these questions but I am learning. Its all in the days of teaching right?

Why hello there?!

Summer, ah.

I've never liked summer.

When I was younger, I always disliked summer time. 

My thighs were too fat, its way to hot outside, I didn't see any of my friends because I lived so far away.

Now I am older, and wiser too.

I freaking love summer.

Why do you have to leave me?

Tomorrow I begin work...

2nd year of teaching--commence! 

But summer, why do you have to end so soon?

Graduates..

Yesterday I attended my first ever high school graduation in which I taught the students who were graduating.

It felt like such a proud moment for me because I felt that in some small way they were standing up there because of the efforts from me and all the other teachers alike.

Now, dont get me wrong. I know graduation is -not- about me! Definitely about the students!! But, reflecting on my first year of teaching, this is a proud moment for me.

It makes me see that all the work that you do does pay off in the long run. and students DO appreciate it.

My eyes swelled up with tears watching some of those who had graced my class with their presence. Precious students. Great students.

They will accomplish great things; I am sure!!


On a random side note, I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a parent?

On another note, next years graduation, I will probably have taught all the students! Oh my, I foresee crying already :)

Favorites.

Everyone knows them right? The teacher's pet.

In the teaching profession, one must treat all his or her students equally; however, there are just a few certain gems in each class that find their way into your heart in a way that seems it will last forever. This past semester, I found one of them.

He is a tall, lanky boy. Silly, funny, and sweet as can be. *John was not necessarily the model student grade wise; however, behavioral he was great. He was one of those students who could make you smile even on a bad day with his silly quirks and comments. In so many ways, *John reminded me of my own brother.

Everyday John and 2 other students come into my classroom and sit down in the same spot they were in when they took my class.

And everyday I have to kick them out and send them to their real class. Haha...

I enjoy seeing them, and it makes me feel good to know that they enjoy being in my classroom too. Does the heart good to think that maybe you made a difference :)

Actions.

I've always been the firm believer that actions speak louder than words. In any problem or situation, I feel as though actions justify the things you say. They have no voice, but always speak.

I feel as though the same phrase can be translated to teaching. You may tell your students all you want that you love and care about them, but if you never do anything for them, then how will they know? If you never teach them, always give them an A+, never correct their wrong doings, how will they know that you care about them?

Teachers who simply give the students what they want will be run-over, and never respected. They become the friend, not the example.

Friday was such a great day.

With every day in teaching, the good always comes with the bad. This day was no different. Friday our English III classes decided to have a Navaho Indian speaker come to talk about their culture and way of living. (We had studied the Navaho Literature in our books). For the speaker, the students had a KWL chart to fill out (What do we Know? What do you Want to know? What have you Learned?)

The students were not excited about either part of this at the beginning of class. "Why do we have to go to the library?" "Why can't we just stay in here?" "wah, wah wah." Of course, with anything you do you will always hear complaining.

However, attitudes were much different coming out of the library than in the library. Walking around glancing at their papers, students were really learning so much about the Navaho culture from what this woman was saying. The majority of students were all listening and even asking their own questions!! Very good questions at that.

One student whispered to me, "Ms. Brandon, I don't have enough room to write in my learned column anymore."

Such a simple phrase, but one that makes a teacher feel so good. So many students yesterday I could see were really into what the woman was saying. What makes things even better is that by the time my fouth block came around, students had already started talking and my fourth block was so excited to go see the woman speak.

ACTIONS speak louder than words. When you show the students that you care and want them to learn, they recognize the difference.

After Hours.

I've heard before that teaching is a job that never ends. That it's never a 9-5 job and its something that goes with the territory of being a teacher.

It's so true.

It is a juxtapose between the grading of papers, after school activities, random reminders of what they may say in class..

Its a strange to think that these souls can affect you with their every day life by what their interests are.. their fun personalities.. quirky and funny comments.. their mere presence in my life makes such a difference..

they make me truly happy.

Out of all of my students, there is one so far that breaks my heart the most... We'll call her Christy. (That is not her name, but I need a name for this story).

Christy is a fragile girl.

Upon entering my classroom, Christy was simply a wreck. You could see in her eyes the fear of entering the room, The way her hands shook as she talked showed the frail, weak person she was. Even the trembling in her voice highlighted the emotional struggle within her own soul..

Christy was the type of girl you just want to save from all of her past. You just wished you could take her problems, throw them away, and show her the type of life you know she's never experienced.

I knew Christy was a part of the Girls Home. The Girls Home is a place where children who are taken by the state are put and taught life skills or received extensive therapy; sometimes both. Usually girls are taken by the state for one of two reasons: horrific family situations or they are troubled teens.

By the middle of the semester, I found the reasons why Christy was placed in the Girls Home. Many times throughout class Christy would give me bits and pieces of information about her life. Many were sad facts that simply broke your heart......

....."Ms. Brandon, look at my picture..."...."Who is that Christy?".... "This is me, my mom, and my sister...." "How old were you then?"..... "About 3 or 4."... "Well, that is such a sweet picture...When is the last time you saw your mom?...."Since this picture...I'm still trying to find them."

Through bits and scattered pieces, I found out more about Christy past. One day she walked in my classroom for 2nd block with tears filling her eyes. I found out her father had passed away. The Girls Home was not allowing her to even go to his funeral. She wanted closure of her dad's memory, but could not go. She cried for a few days about her father's passing which prompted more information. Christy's father was a horrific dad (in my opinion) who has left her emotional scarred for the rest of her life. Yet, in Christy's pure, innocent heart, she stated, "even though I hate what my dad has done to me, I still want to tell him goodbye."

Heart. Break.

Overall, I tend to never worry about students too much when I am away from school, but Christy is one that I think about often. I wonder how she is being treated by the people who live in the home. I wonder if she is being taken care of properly. I also worry that she has enough of the necessities of life and still can see the beauty in it.

Everytime I see Christy, I try to show her the beauty in life--that there are good people in this word.

The day that school let out for the holidays, Christy came into my classroom with something in her hand. It was a present for me. My heart was so humbled because I know this girl gives all she has just to get the bare minimum. I was so humbled? in awe? of what she had done for me.

Over the holidays, while everyone was with their families, my thoughts turned to Christy. This year my only wish was for her Christmas and New Years to be one where she felt loved.

I hope my wish came true.