thankful.

i always have problems with holidays. they seem to emphasize things that should be an outward expression of emotion throughout the entire year and not just centralized around one particular day or season of the year.

but despite my feelings about that subject, i am thankful for the people in my life. particularly, the ones who are consistently influencing and challenging me to be better. those of recent, and those of old. and those of whom i do not know yet. family. friends. spouse. i am thankful.

have a great thanksgiving all.

much love from this little teacher :)

revelation.

recently, i have made a realization about my life.

i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.

i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.

i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.

Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.

for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.

the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was  a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.

since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no,  i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?

either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.

ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)

oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.

   

love.

it is so much easier to be stone coal.

to have no emotion, no feeling. just point blank cold.

for me, it is so much easier to laugh it off and pretend it doesn't affect me. easier to give some sarcastic remark. to act like i do not care. act like things have never happened.

does any one else feel this way? that life is better or less confusing when you do not let the problems get to you. or people get close to you.

i feel that keeping people away with a 10 foot pole and never letting them in helps me. but at the same time, i feel like it injures me as well.

why should i allow myself to get close to those who are just going to use me? maybe the problem is that i just do not trust anyone.

i also believe that if people wanted to or cared, they would take the time to actually get to know me. i think that's something that lets me down as well. people do not want to take the time.  there are very few people in this world, i feel, that know me truly and completely. i also feel that my poor attempts at trying to get to know others miserably fail or come off as awkward.

if you can get past the jokes and sarcasm, i believe that is when the layers are peeled back to find the real whitney. but few ever see past that. i laugh at the things that people think of me. one that sticks in my mind recently was pinterest girl. haha (yes i laughed, oh the irony that the laugh has within this blog post)

do i really appear that shallow? i hope not.

but to sum this depressing blog post up, i believe the one thing that has been my saving grace so far is love. love, although trying at times, forces me to break the barrier and get past the walls that i build up.

love forces me to feel emotions. instead of a cold, numb heart, i must feel the warmth of love and sometimes even the pain. love of a husband. of family, what friends i do have left. some students. co-workers.

the love i feel from those relationships is love that goes past the first layer others see of me. it is the kind of emotion that causes me to -feel-

maybe thats what scares me the most, is the i actually feel something besides the numbness. and i have to be someone other than the funny, sarcastic girl. it causes me to be vulnerable. weak. transparent.

are those things really so bad? is it so bad the be transparent to others so they can get to know the real you? probably not at all. i am not sure why i am so scared of it. maybe i am just a silly girl after all.

but one thing i do know, love makes me -feel-

dreams.

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

what are dreams if they never come true?
Langston hughes wrote about dreams deferred. I never quite understood what he meant until now. I completely and totally get it.

I have so many things I want to do in life. I feel like some of those things are being pushed aside or put on the back-burner. things like: getting my masters. traveling. the dreams you have when you are young of how life will be when you get old.

so what happens to those dreams? do you just forget they ever existed. i feel like that is lying to yourself. I do not believe life was meant to throw our dreams away. i do realize that while we are younger we are in a different place in life, and as we grow older we have a different outlook and different ideas. however, i feel that these dreams of mine. these wishes, goals are things that are not unreasonable or things that i only wanted and dreamed of when i was younger.

i want to life and enjoy life thoroughly. i want them most of every opportunity. i want people in my life who will enjoy it with me as well.

i wonder what dreams langston hughes had that caused him to write this poem..i wonder if he was influenced by robert frost's the road not taken. maybe he just decided to write about the road not taken, but it is not like he wasn't famous or educated. part of me feels that if mr. hughes and mr. frost himself had dreams that were deferred, then how am i myself every going to accomplish what i want to?

I guess to answer his questions, a dream deferred depends on the person, their drive, and the situation of the dream. I believe that if we let the dream go and never accomplish it then it will feel as he has described; however, there are cases where the dream is only limited for that period in your life.  Basketball would be one of my dreams deferred that I will never be able to do anything about. I was in high school when I quit. If I did not, how would my life had been different? It is a dream that I will never have the potential of experiencing because it will forever be gone. I wonder how many kids realize the impact that the choice (big or small) you make today effect your life in the long run.

However, there are dreams that are still within my grasp. getting my masters, traveling, exploring the world, all those little first year married things. I feel as though I am in that time of my life that if I do not take grasp and control of them now, then I will look back with regret and wish I had taken the opportunity. 

friends.

today, i hung out with friends after school when i watched the saints game.

friends. it feels like the older i get the fewer i have lol
that means im getting old.

i know it has been three and some odd number month years since jonah has passed, but whenever i am having a great time with friends, i usually think about him.

jonah would have gotten along great with my college friends. i even think jonah would have liked matt a lot which is very scary to think about. most people who knew him knew that he was determined to rid us of every boyfriend. but, he was right about the ones he chased off for us.

i feel that every time i laugh, or have a good time, that he could have done the same. it's hard to realize that he chose not to.

so many times during tragedy people say, i think of them every day. or ill never forget them. i have to say, for me its the cold, hard truth. i know its been three years, i know i "should be over it" according to some. but he was my best friend. best.

for fifteen years of friendship, grief doesn't end overnight. i believe i have gotten so much better and stronger from the situation. i still have questions. they will never be answered i am sure. as much as i try to analyze the situation, i'll never understand the emotional depth of what was going on.

but, for me, i do think about him. at least once a day there is some small reminder. i do not think that these are coincidence. some days i dont want to have those reminders; it makes life harder. but most days, i am thankful that his memory is still alive to me.

i know most people will never understand the relationship that jonah and i had. but, it was a soul who's friendship was so closely intertwined that it was almost as if he was truly my brother. he was the one of the only genuine friendships i have ever had. it was the type of friendship that i could give just as much as the other person did. i could come to him with a problem and he wouldnt offer advice. he would just listen. and vice versa. i could go eat mcdonalds and he would make me pay haha. or laugh at me when i feel flat on my face but help me up. or hide my purse from me in every class we had together, everyday, for four years.

i think sometimes when i am with friends, especially guy friends, i try to fill that void that is in my life. in many ways matt fills that void, but that friendship will always be missing. i know that no one can ever take jonah's place and i know that there was really nothing i could have done. but at the same time i wish i could have done more. it is such a complex emotion to experience. knowing there was nothing you could do but never having the chance to be able to try. i am not sure what hurts more.

i know i have ruined "how to save a life" by the fray for people. but the lyrics describe perfectly the emotions I feel:
"where did i go wrong? i lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And i would of stayed up with you all night had i known how to save a life."

my soul aches for that friendship again. i think, as long as i live, i will thirst for just the chance to save a life. 

time.

i just thought about something the other day.

we live, most times, our lives by "wishing for just one more hour" or "more time in the day."  yet, every year we are "given" that extra hour.. kinda (I know we get it back later, but still we are given that extra hour..)

but, what do we do with it? Sleep.

hmm. makes sense why sometimes we feel we get nothing out of life. we "sleep" through the extra parts or the important times we are given.

yesterday, i realized that i did not even notice that the leaves had started to change colors. shame on me for that! i hope i live my life never forgetting to notice the change of colors in the leaves anymore.