Live.

One of the many reasons I decided to become an English teacher  rather than a counselor was due to the rich conversations a person could have when discussing a piece of literary text. Literature presents various issues and situations that life throws at us. Not only does a book or poem present the issue, it also offers a solution or suggest an alternative answer. Perhaps  something we had never thought about before. Literature forces us to challenge the issues. Face the thing we may fear most. And most importantly, challenges us to change our complacent place and stretch ourselves beyond the point we ever thought we could reach.

I've linked two video clips from Thornton Wilder's "Our Town." Recently this piece has drastically challenged the way I view everyday living. To give you a little background, Emily Webb was just a regular small town girl who had great dreams in her life. One was that she would receive a good education.along the way her dreams deferred and she decided to get married instead. While during childbirth, Emily passes away leaving behind her young husband. The scene that opens up is a bit unique. The play shows a crowd of people sitting on stage in rows. Those people, along with emily, have all passed away. The rows they are sitting in are suppose to symbolize their graves.  All of the people present are reflecting on their past lives. Watch please.

Watch: Part 1 Part 2


"Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every,every minute?"

The truth of this scene rings so prevalent in my life. Am I even realizing how lucky I am? Am I even living? After watching this scene, everyday, every moment I try to visualize myself in Emily's situation and try to find one simple thing worth thriving in. I implore and encourage you to try it. You will not look at life the same.


so as I sit here and type this, right here in this moment here is my list of simple things.

warm blankets, tv shows, laying down on a couch, comfortable clothing, writing, matts smile, my hair in a ponytail, making things, deep thinking, pizza, coke, the warm of a heater, playing on the cell phone, pictures, rain boots, sniffles (yes even that).

The simple things.

purpose

What is your purpose in life?

So often, your purpose in life is so easily forgotten. Well, on second thought, most times we do not even think about our goal or mission. We go through life daily just --trying to get by-- --trying to make it through work-- --get through this block, this class-- and we forget that we have a reason for being placed where are for that moment.

Today, I realized that I had completely forsaken my purpose in life.

I was living in the mediocrity of everyday living and just trying to get by.

You see, when we remember our purpose in life, our days become like a mission. We are searching and hoping for a chance to make that change or accomplish that task; however, when we overlook the fact of why we are here, life tends to drag by aimlessly.

Let me elaborate because today, I, for lack of better wording, "refound" my purpose.

If you know me or have read my blog before, many of you know about my dear late friend, Jonah. He is close to my heart and so is suicide prevention now because of him. My heart aches and reaches out to those that I see struggling with the disease that I could not help my own friend with. Sometimes when I meet people who are experiencing the same struggles, my heart yearns to aid that person's issue.

Students especially.

Last week, I had a girl who had expressed her situation and her thoughts of suicide. My heart, of course, breaks instantly when I hear those thoughts. I hated that she was experiencing this problem so early in life. Of course, actions had already been put into place to help her cope with her problem; however, I kept a watchful eye for warning signs. Sometimes, I feel like some kind of expert on that particular situation (I know I am not, but I feel like I can spot those particular signs quicker because of Jonah).

I encouraged her to feel free to talk to me, a counselor, or an administrator about anything she needed to get out, but as long as she was expressing herself and getting that negativity out.

Anyway, my sweet student started missing class last week. A couple days went by, so I called to check on her and she stated that she had been sick and would be in school the next day. She came back, but then the same problem rose up again. She had not been to school this entire week. Today, I was extremely worried about her and had every intention of calling her as soon as I came home.

During my planning, I had a little knock on the door. It was her! She was dressed in non-uniform and walked in with her mother and a little folder in her hand. We greeted each other  and I asked her where she had been, we missed her. She told me she had went for help with her problems and that she was feeling much more like herself.

Right then, my heart felt a mixture of emotions. I was sad for her because I know the heart breaking emotions that are felt during those dark hours. I was so happy for her taking a stand for herself, admitting she needed help and working towards healing herself. I was proud of her. My own heart reminisced to Jonah as well; during the times when he too was still fighting for himself. It does one good to know that there are those who come out on top.

I believe for so long, I have spent the past few years wishing I could have done more or thinking that I did not do good enough for Jonah. Even though I lost my best friend, seeing this student come back from that horrible situation and coming out on top helps me realize that people do survive. and that even though I lost one, not all of them will be lost. In some strange way, she truly inspires me. and she too, whether she realizes it or not, is helping my own heart heal.

As we talked some more about her experience and emotional state, her mother told me that I was one of the people she wanted to see as soon as she found out she was coming home.  I type this with tears in my eyes: I am so extremely humbled. Please do not confuse me telling you this as a praise on myself or me trying to make myself look good. This by no means is my intention. This post is meant to show and praise her actions; not my own. I hope through my terrible writing skills that I am getting that point across.  :)


But,

My little soul is truly overwhelmed by this wonderful meeting I had with my student and her mother today because she revived what my purpose in life and teaching truly is--to help those who cannot help themselves.  

apples.

they say a rotten apple spoils the whole bunch. correct? i believe that is the saying; I am not quite sure. I do know that i would categorize my second block class as "rotten apples." the entire semester, as i have said in previous blogs, I fought with each one every day.. It never failed.

Since we have started a new semester, new kids have come into my class just waiting to see what they will learn. It has been a pleasure to see new faces and learn new personalities.

On the first day, we ran a "mini" fall schedule so the students could go back to the classes and receive their grades for the semester. All my classes came and went--and I was glad to send them off.

The human side of me wanted to do nothing with my rotten apples. I simply wanted the 15 mins to run by as fast as possible. And it did. They came and went with hardly words spoke as if we were ex friends or something like that.

The next day I was on lunch duty. Stand there. Watch the lines. Make sure no one cuts. Pretty standard.  You see a lot of students in the lines. The line had died down and no one was really walking through. Then came one of the worst kids I had in my second block. again, the human part of me, wanted to act like he was not even there. i smiled looked away. and then the simple question came, "How are your classes going Mrs. Brandon?"

That question may not be important to anyone else, but spoke volumes to me. He didn't have to ask me that. He didn't have to even speak to me. If you knew this kid, he acts like he could care less about anything or anyone, but with the question he asked me, it proves it's just a front. The thoughtful, sweet, caring question shows me who he is at his core. While it may not mean anything to anyone else, I see through the question which tells me so many things--it tells me he cares.

I talked to another teacher who knew this kid and his family really well told me that his question means more than you ever realize. it means i love you. it means thank you for caring. its means you go there. you got to me and i thank you for that.

so next time, i'll come across these students.. i'll remember my "rotten" apple.. 

teaching.

Alas, this semester at school has ended. Although I had become quite fond of something of those students, time came for them to flutter off to bigger and better things.

I believe that hind sight is always 20/20 and only then do you have a picture of how things could have been improved or played out better.

typically, this cycle of thoughts stay with me and help me to improve on the next upcoming angels I may or may not have.

upon looking back, i learned many things from these teens. some was the typical: you are becoming better at your job; it just takes time kind of lesson. others not so much.

as terrible as i believe one particular block to be, i look back with pride knowing that "i got this" and i have more endurance and patience because of them. my only hope, my only wish is that they learned something from me. not out of my own conceit, but out of a desperate hope for their future. i sincerely and utterly hope that the direction they are going is not the direction that they continue in life. my heart truly breaks at the thought that they come through, not just my class, but school to learn nothing but scheming, games, and drama. my hope is that they see there is more to life.

as for me, i do think that many problems are 50/50 each person plays a role in the situation. there is more that i need to understand with the students. i believe that setting the bar too low and no expecting them to surpass it is a great defeat that I caused for this particular group.  i need to remember that each student has the potential to be an Enstein. my job is not only to make sure they can *see* that, but to foster and reveal that to them as well.

here's to next semester! and may it be better for everyone.