Live.

One of the many reasons I decided to become an English teacher  rather than a counselor was due to the rich conversations a person could have when discussing a piece of literary text. Literature presents various issues and situations that life throws at us. Not only does a book or poem present the issue, it also offers a solution or suggest an alternative answer. Perhaps  something we had never thought about before. Literature forces us to challenge the issues. Face the thing we may fear most. And most importantly, challenges us to change our complacent place and stretch ourselves beyond the point we ever thought we could reach.

I've linked two video clips from Thornton Wilder's "Our Town." Recently this piece has drastically challenged the way I view everyday living. To give you a little background, Emily Webb was just a regular small town girl who had great dreams in her life. One was that she would receive a good education.along the way her dreams deferred and she decided to get married instead. While during childbirth, Emily passes away leaving behind her young husband. The scene that opens up is a bit unique. The play shows a crowd of people sitting on stage in rows. Those people, along with emily, have all passed away. The rows they are sitting in are suppose to symbolize their graves.  All of the people present are reflecting on their past lives. Watch please.

Watch: Part 1 Part 2


"Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every,every minute?"

The truth of this scene rings so prevalent in my life. Am I even realizing how lucky I am? Am I even living? After watching this scene, everyday, every moment I try to visualize myself in Emily's situation and try to find one simple thing worth thriving in. I implore and encourage you to try it. You will not look at life the same.


so as I sit here and type this, right here in this moment here is my list of simple things.

warm blankets, tv shows, laying down on a couch, comfortable clothing, writing, matts smile, my hair in a ponytail, making things, deep thinking, pizza, coke, the warm of a heater, playing on the cell phone, pictures, rain boots, sniffles (yes even that).

The simple things.

change.

One thing I know about writing is that I never try to force the process. I believe that is the essential reason as to why I never update consistently. (oops ;) ) I am allowed that, am I not?

I feel that forcing myself to write upon certain topics or coming up with some kind of consistent check and balance on my life through writing produces a fake, forced, rushed product. I truly feel that the tunes of my heart and the stories of my life are best left to stay under wraps until I, God, or some other divine appointment inspires me to share the ideas that toggle around this little brain of mine. :)

With that said, the events and stories that I share are never products of flashy, look-at-me attention, but rather, humbling lessons that I have learned and coped with that have impacted the core of my being.

If you, oh random few, have kept up with my "intriguing" blog writing, you will have known the struggles I have experienced over the past few years. Deep, personal, life changing issues that have ultimately change who I am. Don't we all have those moments?

Just like my writing, sometimes the lesson to the circumstances waits as well. The perfect timing in teaching in sometimes the most important tool to ensure the lesson is taught and more importantly learned.

 

 West Texas, has been no secret, is one of my favorite places on earth. I believe because the place is such a symbol of hope in my life and a place of healing for me. The place is truly dear to my soul. It will forever be a part of who I am.

Every since I went to West Texas in 2010, I felt as though something about the place was unfinished or incomplete to me. My heart was lost there and broken when we drove seeing those mountains in the distance. And, every since then, my heart has longed for that cowboy hat shaped mountain! 

Knowing I am meant for that place, as I mentioned earlier, dear reader, I finally have had the opportunity to go back. Maybe that is why the chance has never opened up for me to go before--because i wasn't ready to receive the lesson.

To be honest with you, the last three or four years of my life I have struggled to hear God's voice clearly. West Texas represented one of the only times during that period that I could distinctly know his voice. I was desperate for the voice again.

There is always this rock pile we like to climb when we go there. It's not huge, about 800 feet, I believe. From the top, you can see for miles. Being up there gives one a sense of completeness and peace in their soul. An indescribable feeling as though nothing can destroy you there. A peace with God that surpasses all knowledge and wisdom.

It was there on top of that mountain, in 2010, when my world was shattered that I hear God's voice almost as tangible as I touch this computer "Whitney, I have brought you up this mountain. What makes you think I won't bring you through it?' You would think that would suffice my longing and desires for peace in this situation would it not?

I knew this was where God spoke to me last time. I so desperately wanted to hear that voice again I forced myself to climb the rock pile as fast as I could. I got to the top. The beautiful, indescribable top. and nothing. Elated at the sight, yet disappointed at no voice, we started our climb down.

No, on top of rock pile was not where God spoke to me to teach me the lesson he has so patiently waiting until I was ready. The treacherous climb down was where my attention was halted.

While on the way down, matt and I took the more difficult, dangerous, life threatening route. Without knowing of course.   When I tell you there were gaps in the rocks where I could not see the bottom, I am not exaggerating. There was 20 foot jumps down to get to the next rock. Cactus everywhere. I even saw a snake coiled inside one of the rocks. At one point, Matt had to crawl underneath a boulder above a dark rock gap where I could not see the bottom and I, too, had to make that same dangerous crawl through the tiny space. Dear reader, I wish I would have photographed this scary climb down. I wish there was another word besides scary because it was petrifying. But, we made it. Matt riped his pants. I scuffed up my hands and knees. I was shaking scared. Matt was laughing ready to go again, but it was there, just when I thought that there was no voice to show me a new light--He spoke.

In that still, small, strong, confident, concise, clear, voice. "Whitney, just because you are coming out of the mountain does not mean you will not have pain. No, you will have that much more because you are letting go piece by piece. It does not mean that it will be an easy ride. Sometimes coming down the mountain is just as bad as going up it."

And so, reality hits me as fast as you could imagine. So long had I been focused on the problem, I had not focused on my response. 

I read somewhere I cannot remember that the only thing we can control in a situation is not the situation itself but your reaction to the situation. No, it is not under my control, but my response IS! 

I can say that peace has overwhelmed my soul. The lesson in the making was worth the time it took to learn it. Am I still healing? yes. I will forever be healing, but can I react positively? By all means. 

More importantly, for the first time in forever, I feel peace. I feel happiness. I can feel God again.

Ah, change.

I feel free again.

 Matt & Me :)

I told you he split his pants. :)

 

I'm married. So what?!

Lately, I have read multiple articles discussing singleness.

A 20 something year old's desire and struggle with loneliness is a real issue for the present day female.. (well male too, but all the articles I read are written by females...so... yeah)

Don't misunderstand what I am attempting to convey with these words because even though I did not experience loneliness in your aspect, I experience the same feeling and problems you experience as a single male or female just in other ways.

To those dear, sweet article writers, please note: Just because I am married at a young age does not mean my life is now over or that my life "is just beginning." It does not mean that I did not look for my self worth in Christ and rather found the worth in my husband. By you stating those things against me, a stereotype is set forth just like the ones that have been created for yourselves. 

I, too, experience the same emotional problems that 20-somethings-year-olds experience. Just became I am married does not make me exempt from "the transition of university life to the real world." No, I think the transition becomes that much more difficult because my life is not longer about me. My life is pleasing God first and foremost (as it was before marriage) and meeting the needs of my husband. Rejecting my own desires in an awkward stage of life may be one of the most difficult things I will have to do. 

Just because I am married does not mean I want to have children. You may get asked on numerous occasions "well, when are you having kids." Yeah, I get the same questions too. It seems as though we have a lot in common. You state that you would just like people to just "ask you what's now." Should they not do the same for me? People automatically assume because I am married, I am going to pop out a child at any moment or even rub my stomach and ask when I am due. Do you know how embarrassing THAT is? I do not even look pregnant. So, yes. I would enjoy a delightful conversation on what is going on now too because the now is the important, beautiful thing about both of our lives. The part that should not be wasted on wishing and dreaming as you also suggest.

You imply that you struggle with loneliness? Well, so do we. While marriage is beautiful, loneliness abides in places other than having a soul companion. Did you ever think about the separation you experience from your family members? As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." As beautiful as this is, have you ever thought about how empty you can feel when you know you are not going home to your mother and father after a disagreement with your spouse? Or, when your parents no longer visit you? Because I am now married, even friends, assume I am with my husband 24/7. Those friends, I feel, have left  abandoned me. Loneliness in your world is real, but loneliness in my is as well. 

Society does tend to put a magnify glass upon the ideas of marriage. Actually, let me correct that, society tends to overemphasis the glamour and pizazz of a wedding. Never do they treasure and emphasis the actual marriage. As you have claimed, they do make one feel as though they are not "good enough" if you are not married however they do not show the side of marriage that you do not see--the struggles of two individuals learning and growing together. As beautiful as it sounds, there is so much difficulty in the process. Would I trade it for the world? Never. 

Please do not think that I am unhappy with marriage because if that is what you are reading then you are missing the point entirely. Mankind attempts to make look like the next step for you. They make marriage look like something you are on the outside of if you are single. They make marriage look EASY. Labeled. Just like those who are still single are what? labeled. 

Being placed in an role that society assumes you should perform in for your time of life is degrading. Yes, I know how you feel. 

I believe that no matter what stage you are in life mankind will always places limitations or expectations on what they believe you should be doing. Single. Married. Divorced. Retired. Everyone has a role they are "suppose" to perform. But, you dear, sweet article writers, that's the beauty of life. Whoever reads this blog. You don't have to play the part. God has called us each to a plan more beautiful than one we could ever imagine. Part of mine was marriage. Yours may be singleness. 

Embrace that. This is time in life that we will never get back. 

Enjoy it. 

"100 Years"

Five for Fighting

I'm 15 for a moment

Caught in between 10 and 20

And I'm just dreaming

Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment

And she feels better than ever

And we're on fire

Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to lose

15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got a hundred years to live

I'm 33 for a moment

Still the man, but you see I'm a "they"

A kid on the way, babe.

A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment

The sea is high

And I'm heading into a crisis

Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to lose yourself

Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you

15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got a hundred years to live

Half time goes by

Suddenly you’re wise

Another blink of an eye

67 is gone

The sun is getting high

We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment

And time for just another moment

And I'm just dreaming

Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you

22 I feel her too

33 you’re on your way

Every day's a new day...

(oh oh ohs)

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to choose

Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got a hundred years to live

rest

summer time has rose upon me and I am now at rest.

I am thankful for a semester that has come and gone and am happily resting for the month of june.. I think :)

I did travel to west texas again. but I will save that for another blog. there's simply too much to express about a place so dear to my heart.

but as for summer, I will breathe and rest.

and be thankful for being a teacher.


no summertime blues for me!

break.

spring break was this week for me.

the holiday itself is simply a tease for the summer to come. i have enjoyed the simplicity of this week of absolutely nothing. no plans. no kids. no pressure.

just me and whatever my agenda suggested.

summer cannot come soon enough!

oh, and for the readers that keep up, i have the opportunity to go to west texas again! my heart is overjoyed. i cannot wait for the peace and clarity that the place brings to me.  

overwhelmed.

right now at the moment, teaching is not fun.

just being 100% transparent with you.

there is way too much the state is expecting us to do and there is no where near enough time to complete it. there are not enough resources to help us with it. and the apathetic students are not very helpful either. neither is the lack of money.

for some reason, the state believes that i need to (realistically) teacher 7 units of the curriculum, focus quiz students at least every 3 weeks, schedule PASS essays twice in a semester, schedule EAGLE test with every unit we teach, set goals on how we think our students are going to do on a test we are not allowed to see, segregate data with our student work, create modules that we are to teach from instead of the normal lesson plans that we have to do already, create a new curriculum for our students for next year, make sure they all pass the eoc, oh wait, we are going to change that test too, teach this strategy, focus on this technique, include this in your lesson, and this everyday, oh wait you also need to teach this every day as well. what the heck?!

keep in mind, our school only has 2 computer labs that are available to 80 teachers and classes. the other 3 labs are only available one hour a day. we have to buy our own ink for our printers so we cant make all the copies we need in that area. if we run out of paper, we have to buy that. we are expected to do all these things in less than a 6 months time and if we do not complete them or excel then we are failures. plus, we have around 30 kids to a classroom. do you know how much individual time a student receives from the teacher this way? like 1 min a day. our planning periods are constantly taken up with meetings after meetings. for example: during my planning, i have meetings on every monday. wednesday is professional development. thursday after school is literacy design meeting. wednesday after school is the occasional faculty meeting. we use to have an act meeting tuesdays before school once a month. then, i have duty on tuesday and thursday during my planning. please tell me when i have enough time to do all those things you want me to? after school, i try to have my own business so i can make extra cash. no. don't have time because i am grading the papers that i did not get to do during planning or recreating lessons because they want them on them to be changed to the new curriculum or they want them to be in the notebook files so that way we use the smart board more.

i do love my job dearly. but right now i feel over worked, stressed out, confused on what i am suppose to be exactly teaching, and just burnt out all together. i hope that this is just for a season because if not, i really do not know what i would do for the rest of my life. there's not much else out there for me. i know this is my purpose. so, why does it have to be so hard? it gets to the point where i feel like i am not doing a good enough job because of all the things that are expected of me, i have to do them halfway. nothing is ever thoroughly done. i almost feel i would be of more use being some random secretary somewhere else because at least i would know what would be expected of me and i would not have to guess at what i am suppose to be doing then be graded on it and fail because of that. i feel like i am treated like a child in this profession. i love the kids.. i do. but i do not love the rest.

any teachers reading this? am i alone in this thought process? 

purpose

What is your purpose in life?

So often, your purpose in life is so easily forgotten. Well, on second thought, most times we do not even think about our goal or mission. We go through life daily just --trying to get by-- --trying to make it through work-- --get through this block, this class-- and we forget that we have a reason for being placed where are for that moment.

Today, I realized that I had completely forsaken my purpose in life.

I was living in the mediocrity of everyday living and just trying to get by.

You see, when we remember our purpose in life, our days become like a mission. We are searching and hoping for a chance to make that change or accomplish that task; however, when we overlook the fact of why we are here, life tends to drag by aimlessly.

Let me elaborate because today, I, for lack of better wording, "refound" my purpose.

If you know me or have read my blog before, many of you know about my dear late friend, Jonah. He is close to my heart and so is suicide prevention now because of him. My heart aches and reaches out to those that I see struggling with the disease that I could not help my own friend with. Sometimes when I meet people who are experiencing the same struggles, my heart yearns to aid that person's issue.

Students especially.

Last week, I had a girl who had expressed her situation and her thoughts of suicide. My heart, of course, breaks instantly when I hear those thoughts. I hated that she was experiencing this problem so early in life. Of course, actions had already been put into place to help her cope with her problem; however, I kept a watchful eye for warning signs. Sometimes, I feel like some kind of expert on that particular situation (I know I am not, but I feel like I can spot those particular signs quicker because of Jonah).

I encouraged her to feel free to talk to me, a counselor, or an administrator about anything she needed to get out, but as long as she was expressing herself and getting that negativity out.

Anyway, my sweet student started missing class last week. A couple days went by, so I called to check on her and she stated that she had been sick and would be in school the next day. She came back, but then the same problem rose up again. She had not been to school this entire week. Today, I was extremely worried about her and had every intention of calling her as soon as I came home.

During my planning, I had a little knock on the door. It was her! She was dressed in non-uniform and walked in with her mother and a little folder in her hand. We greeted each other  and I asked her where she had been, we missed her. She told me she had went for help with her problems and that she was feeling much more like herself.

Right then, my heart felt a mixture of emotions. I was sad for her because I know the heart breaking emotions that are felt during those dark hours. I was so happy for her taking a stand for herself, admitting she needed help and working towards healing herself. I was proud of her. My own heart reminisced to Jonah as well; during the times when he too was still fighting for himself. It does one good to know that there are those who come out on top.

I believe for so long, I have spent the past few years wishing I could have done more or thinking that I did not do good enough for Jonah. Even though I lost my best friend, seeing this student come back from that horrible situation and coming out on top helps me realize that people do survive. and that even though I lost one, not all of them will be lost. In some strange way, she truly inspires me. and she too, whether she realizes it or not, is helping my own heart heal.

As we talked some more about her experience and emotional state, her mother told me that I was one of the people she wanted to see as soon as she found out she was coming home.  I type this with tears in my eyes: I am so extremely humbled. Please do not confuse me telling you this as a praise on myself or me trying to make myself look good. This by no means is my intention. This post is meant to show and praise her actions; not my own. I hope through my terrible writing skills that I am getting that point across.  :)


But,

My little soul is truly overwhelmed by this wonderful meeting I had with my student and her mother today because she revived what my purpose in life and teaching truly is--to help those who cannot help themselves.