recently, i have made a realization about my life.
i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.
i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.
i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.
Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.
for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.
the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.
since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no, i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?
either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.
ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)
oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.
i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.
i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.
i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.
Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.
for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.
the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.
since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no, i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?
either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.
ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)
oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.
