revelation.

recently, i have made a realization about my life.

i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.

i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.

i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.

Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.

for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.

the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was  a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.

since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no,  i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?

either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.

ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)

oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.

   

friends.

today, i hung out with friends after school when i watched the saints game.

friends. it feels like the older i get the fewer i have lol
that means im getting old.

i know it has been three and some odd number month years since jonah has passed, but whenever i am having a great time with friends, i usually think about him.

jonah would have gotten along great with my college friends. i even think jonah would have liked matt a lot which is very scary to think about. most people who knew him knew that he was determined to rid us of every boyfriend. but, he was right about the ones he chased off for us.

i feel that every time i laugh, or have a good time, that he could have done the same. it's hard to realize that he chose not to.

so many times during tragedy people say, i think of them every day. or ill never forget them. i have to say, for me its the cold, hard truth. i know its been three years, i know i "should be over it" according to some. but he was my best friend. best.

for fifteen years of friendship, grief doesn't end overnight. i believe i have gotten so much better and stronger from the situation. i still have questions. they will never be answered i am sure. as much as i try to analyze the situation, i'll never understand the emotional depth of what was going on.

but, for me, i do think about him. at least once a day there is some small reminder. i do not think that these are coincidence. some days i dont want to have those reminders; it makes life harder. but most days, i am thankful that his memory is still alive to me.

i know most people will never understand the relationship that jonah and i had. but, it was a soul who's friendship was so closely intertwined that it was almost as if he was truly my brother. he was the one of the only genuine friendships i have ever had. it was the type of friendship that i could give just as much as the other person did. i could come to him with a problem and he wouldnt offer advice. he would just listen. and vice versa. i could go eat mcdonalds and he would make me pay haha. or laugh at me when i feel flat on my face but help me up. or hide my purse from me in every class we had together, everyday, for four years.

i think sometimes when i am with friends, especially guy friends, i try to fill that void that is in my life. in many ways matt fills that void, but that friendship will always be missing. i know that no one can ever take jonah's place and i know that there was really nothing i could have done. but at the same time i wish i could have done more. it is such a complex emotion to experience. knowing there was nothing you could do but never having the chance to be able to try. i am not sure what hurts more.

i know i have ruined "how to save a life" by the fray for people. but the lyrics describe perfectly the emotions I feel:
"where did i go wrong? i lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And i would of stayed up with you all night had i known how to save a life."

my soul aches for that friendship again. i think, as long as i live, i will thirst for just the chance to save a life.