dreams.

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

what are dreams if they never come true?
Langston hughes wrote about dreams deferred. I never quite understood what he meant until now. I completely and totally get it.

I have so many things I want to do in life. I feel like some of those things are being pushed aside or put on the back-burner. things like: getting my masters. traveling. the dreams you have when you are young of how life will be when you get old.

so what happens to those dreams? do you just forget they ever existed. i feel like that is lying to yourself. I do not believe life was meant to throw our dreams away. i do realize that while we are younger we are in a different place in life, and as we grow older we have a different outlook and different ideas. however, i feel that these dreams of mine. these wishes, goals are things that are not unreasonable or things that i only wanted and dreamed of when i was younger.

i want to life and enjoy life thoroughly. i want them most of every opportunity. i want people in my life who will enjoy it with me as well.

i wonder what dreams langston hughes had that caused him to write this poem..i wonder if he was influenced by robert frost's the road not taken. maybe he just decided to write about the road not taken, but it is not like he wasn't famous or educated. part of me feels that if mr. hughes and mr. frost himself had dreams that were deferred, then how am i myself every going to accomplish what i want to?

I guess to answer his questions, a dream deferred depends on the person, their drive, and the situation of the dream. I believe that if we let the dream go and never accomplish it then it will feel as he has described; however, there are cases where the dream is only limited for that period in your life.  Basketball would be one of my dreams deferred that I will never be able to do anything about. I was in high school when I quit. If I did not, how would my life had been different? It is a dream that I will never have the potential of experiencing because it will forever be gone. I wonder how many kids realize the impact that the choice (big or small) you make today effect your life in the long run.

However, there are dreams that are still within my grasp. getting my masters, traveling, exploring the world, all those little first year married things. I feel as though I am in that time of my life that if I do not take grasp and control of them now, then I will look back with regret and wish I had taken the opportunity. 

friends.

today, i hung out with friends after school when i watched the saints game.

friends. it feels like the older i get the fewer i have lol
that means im getting old.

i know it has been three and some odd number month years since jonah has passed, but whenever i am having a great time with friends, i usually think about him.

jonah would have gotten along great with my college friends. i even think jonah would have liked matt a lot which is very scary to think about. most people who knew him knew that he was determined to rid us of every boyfriend. but, he was right about the ones he chased off for us.

i feel that every time i laugh, or have a good time, that he could have done the same. it's hard to realize that he chose not to.

so many times during tragedy people say, i think of them every day. or ill never forget them. i have to say, for me its the cold, hard truth. i know its been three years, i know i "should be over it" according to some. but he was my best friend. best.

for fifteen years of friendship, grief doesn't end overnight. i believe i have gotten so much better and stronger from the situation. i still have questions. they will never be answered i am sure. as much as i try to analyze the situation, i'll never understand the emotional depth of what was going on.

but, for me, i do think about him. at least once a day there is some small reminder. i do not think that these are coincidence. some days i dont want to have those reminders; it makes life harder. but most days, i am thankful that his memory is still alive to me.

i know most people will never understand the relationship that jonah and i had. but, it was a soul who's friendship was so closely intertwined that it was almost as if he was truly my brother. he was the one of the only genuine friendships i have ever had. it was the type of friendship that i could give just as much as the other person did. i could come to him with a problem and he wouldnt offer advice. he would just listen. and vice versa. i could go eat mcdonalds and he would make me pay haha. or laugh at me when i feel flat on my face but help me up. or hide my purse from me in every class we had together, everyday, for four years.

i think sometimes when i am with friends, especially guy friends, i try to fill that void that is in my life. in many ways matt fills that void, but that friendship will always be missing. i know that no one can ever take jonah's place and i know that there was really nothing i could have done. but at the same time i wish i could have done more. it is such a complex emotion to experience. knowing there was nothing you could do but never having the chance to be able to try. i am not sure what hurts more.

i know i have ruined "how to save a life" by the fray for people. but the lyrics describe perfectly the emotions I feel:
"where did i go wrong? i lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And i would of stayed up with you all night had i known how to save a life."

my soul aches for that friendship again. i think, as long as i live, i will thirst for just the chance to save a life. 

time.

i just thought about something the other day.

we live, most times, our lives by "wishing for just one more hour" or "more time in the day."  yet, every year we are "given" that extra hour.. kinda (I know we get it back later, but still we are given that extra hour..)

but, what do we do with it? Sleep.

hmm. makes sense why sometimes we feel we get nothing out of life. we "sleep" through the extra parts or the important times we are given.

yesterday, i realized that i did not even notice that the leaves had started to change colors. shame on me for that! i hope i live my life never forgetting to notice the change of colors in the leaves anymore.

coping

Wonderful, beautiful life.

That's what I am suppose to appreciate and have been taught to appreciate especially this week. Life, as I have said previously, has thrown me a huge curve ball. Hearing words that you don't want to ever hear in your life is scary, but this is the unscripted, unedited, ever-changing life i live.

I felt like God had given me my limit three years ago when I lost my best friend, but i feel like right when I am almost at the top of the valley, i've been thrown right back to where I was three years before now.

This is one place that I do not want to go back to. It was dark. Scary. Emotional. Isolating. Depressing. Why am i being sent back here? I feel like I learned my lesson, for the most part? I mean, what lesson is there for someone to learn from the death of a friend so tragically gone from your life? I feel like that is more torture than anything. Same with this problem, its just torture. Does God even have a plan in it?

That is the point I am at right now? Where is God even? Is he even there like people claim because I feel like if he was, then I would hear a word or have some source of comfort. I realize that this is not completely a life or death problem, but it's just one more thing to make me realize the realities of life. Life is never fair.

For those of the few and far between that read my blog :), please don't worry too much. I am just using this as a sounding board really. I just do not understand why things like this happen. Over and over at that. It just does not make sense. I would just like to a specific sign or word that I know that God is doing this for a reason, and not some verse or bible stuff i've heard since negative nine months old. A real event that only God could orchestra. That's what I need. That's what I thirst for. That's what I am not clearly getting. 

wondering

I never have wondered this much until now.

Am I truly making an impact on these students? I almost feel like my second block is turning into a lost cause. Some of the students are wonderful and great, but its the ones who are continuously defense and do not want your help. What are you suppose to do?

It worries me even more now since teachers are being "graded" based off student performance and observations. I am so nervous. As a teacher, I want the highest grade and I want for parents/teachers to feel like they do have a great teacher that produces even better results.

The grading process is just a thing I will have to get use to. I am sure anywhere I go it will be there too.

Tomorrow is one of my greatest friend's birthday's! Ms. Erin Fontenot :) I am so thankful for the friends like her that I have in my life. They are what help get me through..

Well, that's all for now in this intriguing, captivating blog :)

fall break.

why are you ending so soon?

life has thrown be yet another curveball.
I'm just not ready to face it yet.
maybe, i'll go into more detail later.

just for those of you that read, I may or may not fill you in. just say a little prayer for me this week.
i am scared, nervous, and just don't understand clearly what or why things happen.

but, tomorrow is another day. fall break is over. and yet, i am still being taught something every single day. it's all in the days of teaching. <3

surprise.

today, i was passing out papers to get started on practicing for our midterms.

students are not allowed to talk in my class, but all of a sudden i had one start like he was leading a cheer!!

no instead, he was leading the class into singing me happy birthday.


i love my students. sweet, precious students.