break.

spring break was this week for me.

the holiday itself is simply a tease for the summer to come. i have enjoyed the simplicity of this week of absolutely nothing. no plans. no kids. no pressure.

just me and whatever my agenda suggested.

summer cannot come soon enough!

oh, and for the readers that keep up, i have the opportunity to go to west texas again! my heart is overjoyed. i cannot wait for the peace and clarity that the place brings to me.  

overwhelmed.

right now at the moment, teaching is not fun.

just being 100% transparent with you.

there is way too much the state is expecting us to do and there is no where near enough time to complete it. there are not enough resources to help us with it. and the apathetic students are not very helpful either. neither is the lack of money.

for some reason, the state believes that i need to (realistically) teacher 7 units of the curriculum, focus quiz students at least every 3 weeks, schedule PASS essays twice in a semester, schedule EAGLE test with every unit we teach, set goals on how we think our students are going to do on a test we are not allowed to see, segregate data with our student work, create modules that we are to teach from instead of the normal lesson plans that we have to do already, create a new curriculum for our students for next year, make sure they all pass the eoc, oh wait, we are going to change that test too, teach this strategy, focus on this technique, include this in your lesson, and this everyday, oh wait you also need to teach this every day as well. what the heck?!

keep in mind, our school only has 2 computer labs that are available to 80 teachers and classes. the other 3 labs are only available one hour a day. we have to buy our own ink for our printers so we cant make all the copies we need in that area. if we run out of paper, we have to buy that. we are expected to do all these things in less than a 6 months time and if we do not complete them or excel then we are failures. plus, we have around 30 kids to a classroom. do you know how much individual time a student receives from the teacher this way? like 1 min a day. our planning periods are constantly taken up with meetings after meetings. for example: during my planning, i have meetings on every monday. wednesday is professional development. thursday after school is literacy design meeting. wednesday after school is the occasional faculty meeting. we use to have an act meeting tuesdays before school once a month. then, i have duty on tuesday and thursday during my planning. please tell me when i have enough time to do all those things you want me to? after school, i try to have my own business so i can make extra cash. no. don't have time because i am grading the papers that i did not get to do during planning or recreating lessons because they want them on them to be changed to the new curriculum or they want them to be in the notebook files so that way we use the smart board more.

i do love my job dearly. but right now i feel over worked, stressed out, confused on what i am suppose to be exactly teaching, and just burnt out all together. i hope that this is just for a season because if not, i really do not know what i would do for the rest of my life. there's not much else out there for me. i know this is my purpose. so, why does it have to be so hard? it gets to the point where i feel like i am not doing a good enough job because of all the things that are expected of me, i have to do them halfway. nothing is ever thoroughly done. i almost feel i would be of more use being some random secretary somewhere else because at least i would know what would be expected of me and i would not have to guess at what i am suppose to be doing then be graded on it and fail because of that. i feel like i am treated like a child in this profession. i love the kids.. i do. but i do not love the rest.

any teachers reading this? am i alone in this thought process? 

purpose

What is your purpose in life?

So often, your purpose in life is so easily forgotten. Well, on second thought, most times we do not even think about our goal or mission. We go through life daily just --trying to get by-- --trying to make it through work-- --get through this block, this class-- and we forget that we have a reason for being placed where are for that moment.

Today, I realized that I had completely forsaken my purpose in life.

I was living in the mediocrity of everyday living and just trying to get by.

You see, when we remember our purpose in life, our days become like a mission. We are searching and hoping for a chance to make that change or accomplish that task; however, when we overlook the fact of why we are here, life tends to drag by aimlessly.

Let me elaborate because today, I, for lack of better wording, "refound" my purpose.

If you know me or have read my blog before, many of you know about my dear late friend, Jonah. He is close to my heart and so is suicide prevention now because of him. My heart aches and reaches out to those that I see struggling with the disease that I could not help my own friend with. Sometimes when I meet people who are experiencing the same struggles, my heart yearns to aid that person's issue.

Students especially.

Last week, I had a girl who had expressed her situation and her thoughts of suicide. My heart, of course, breaks instantly when I hear those thoughts. I hated that she was experiencing this problem so early in life. Of course, actions had already been put into place to help her cope with her problem; however, I kept a watchful eye for warning signs. Sometimes, I feel like some kind of expert on that particular situation (I know I am not, but I feel like I can spot those particular signs quicker because of Jonah).

I encouraged her to feel free to talk to me, a counselor, or an administrator about anything she needed to get out, but as long as she was expressing herself and getting that negativity out.

Anyway, my sweet student started missing class last week. A couple days went by, so I called to check on her and she stated that she had been sick and would be in school the next day. She came back, but then the same problem rose up again. She had not been to school this entire week. Today, I was extremely worried about her and had every intention of calling her as soon as I came home.

During my planning, I had a little knock on the door. It was her! She was dressed in non-uniform and walked in with her mother and a little folder in her hand. We greeted each other  and I asked her where she had been, we missed her. She told me she had went for help with her problems and that she was feeling much more like herself.

Right then, my heart felt a mixture of emotions. I was sad for her because I know the heart breaking emotions that are felt during those dark hours. I was so happy for her taking a stand for herself, admitting she needed help and working towards healing herself. I was proud of her. My own heart reminisced to Jonah as well; during the times when he too was still fighting for himself. It does one good to know that there are those who come out on top.

I believe for so long, I have spent the past few years wishing I could have done more or thinking that I did not do good enough for Jonah. Even though I lost my best friend, seeing this student come back from that horrible situation and coming out on top helps me realize that people do survive. and that even though I lost one, not all of them will be lost. In some strange way, she truly inspires me. and she too, whether she realizes it or not, is helping my own heart heal.

As we talked some more about her experience and emotional state, her mother told me that I was one of the people she wanted to see as soon as she found out she was coming home.  I type this with tears in my eyes: I am so extremely humbled. Please do not confuse me telling you this as a praise on myself or me trying to make myself look good. This by no means is my intention. This post is meant to show and praise her actions; not my own. I hope through my terrible writing skills that I am getting that point across.  :)


But,

My little soul is truly overwhelmed by this wonderful meeting I had with my student and her mother today because she revived what my purpose in life and teaching truly is--to help those who cannot help themselves.  

smile.

one of my 504 special ed students (she's not severely sped; just needs help & extra time stuff like that) came into my class the other day with ten minutes left till school was out.

i honestly thought she needed help with the assignment i had given early.

nope, she was coming to tell me how she aced her assignment, completely understood everything, and was finished. i wish you could have seen the smile on her face. she even gave me a hug (shes on of those tough girls).

its the little things! :) 

Morning.

Two AM and I have become best friends.
Well, best friends may be too strong of words---fri-enemies?

More like it.

Sometimes I wish I taught night classes but I know I would then wish I could teach morning ones.  Haha. I am so contrary at times; never do I decide what I want.

To catch you up to speed, school is going exceptionally well in comparison to the past semester and I am feeling pretty good about the new students I have gained.

Matt and I are still enjoying the roller coaster of our first year of marriage and we are learning new things everyday.

Readers, keep me accountable. I really want to get back into shape so I downloaded couch to 5k. If I do not begin to talk about my progress, let me know!!! I need help, motivation, encouragement, and a way to keep cokes only diet. :) we can dream!!

Thanks for those of you who read my silly blog (Allie & some random German)   I appreciate and lovey readers (you two) more than you know!!

Till next 2 am insomnia blog inspired writing! ;)

apples.

they say a rotten apple spoils the whole bunch. correct? i believe that is the saying; I am not quite sure. I do know that i would categorize my second block class as "rotten apples." the entire semester, as i have said in previous blogs, I fought with each one every day.. It never failed.

Since we have started a new semester, new kids have come into my class just waiting to see what they will learn. It has been a pleasure to see new faces and learn new personalities.

On the first day, we ran a "mini" fall schedule so the students could go back to the classes and receive their grades for the semester. All my classes came and went--and I was glad to send them off.

The human side of me wanted to do nothing with my rotten apples. I simply wanted the 15 mins to run by as fast as possible. And it did. They came and went with hardly words spoke as if we were ex friends or something like that.

The next day I was on lunch duty. Stand there. Watch the lines. Make sure no one cuts. Pretty standard.  You see a lot of students in the lines. The line had died down and no one was really walking through. Then came one of the worst kids I had in my second block. again, the human part of me, wanted to act like he was not even there. i smiled looked away. and then the simple question came, "How are your classes going Mrs. Brandon?"

That question may not be important to anyone else, but spoke volumes to me. He didn't have to ask me that. He didn't have to even speak to me. If you knew this kid, he acts like he could care less about anything or anyone, but with the question he asked me, it proves it's just a front. The thoughtful, sweet, caring question shows me who he is at his core. While it may not mean anything to anyone else, I see through the question which tells me so many things--it tells me he cares.

I talked to another teacher who knew this kid and his family really well told me that his question means more than you ever realize. it means i love you. it means thank you for caring. its means you go there. you got to me and i thank you for that.

so next time, i'll come across these students.. i'll remember my "rotten" apple.. 

2012.

Well, i guess i too will fall into the ills of social media pressure and write my happenings of 2012. it was such great year why not? :)

-I finished my first year of teaching.
-Had my first surgery ever? haha
-Moved into my first apartment with a boy!
-Celebrated my niece's first birthday :)
-Watched my brother get his junior ring.
-Was married to my best friend.
-Had *in my opinion* the best wedding ever!
-Watched 3 great friends get married.
-Traveled to Florida with my husband.
-Finally met Cinderella.
-Started my second year of teaching.
-Developed deeper friendships with co-workers.
-Validated friendships with old friends.
-Created new friendships with special friends.
-Kicked out of a place i'd never thought i'd be hahaha
-Traveled to Mississippi with my husband.
-Had a first & last dance with my dad :)
-Celebrated 4th of July--Disney style!
-Plenty of firsts experiences in life.
-turned 24.
-Ended the year with the flu ;)

There's many things I don't think I'd want to list for everyone's enjoyment but these are the few for sure that have touched my heart. In retrospect, 2012 i feel like I started to live. I guess this means 2013 will be the year i soar.

;)