Morning.

Two AM and I have become best friends.
Well, best friends may be too strong of words---fri-enemies?

More like it.

Sometimes I wish I taught night classes but I know I would then wish I could teach morning ones.  Haha. I am so contrary at times; never do I decide what I want.

To catch you up to speed, school is going exceptionally well in comparison to the past semester and I am feeling pretty good about the new students I have gained.

Matt and I are still enjoying the roller coaster of our first year of marriage and we are learning new things everyday.

Readers, keep me accountable. I really want to get back into shape so I downloaded couch to 5k. If I do not begin to talk about my progress, let me know!!! I need help, motivation, encouragement, and a way to keep cokes only diet. :) we can dream!!

Thanks for those of you who read my silly blog (Allie & some random German)   I appreciate and lovey readers (you two) more than you know!!

Till next 2 am insomnia blog inspired writing! ;)

apples.

they say a rotten apple spoils the whole bunch. correct? i believe that is the saying; I am not quite sure. I do know that i would categorize my second block class as "rotten apples." the entire semester, as i have said in previous blogs, I fought with each one every day.. It never failed.

Since we have started a new semester, new kids have come into my class just waiting to see what they will learn. It has been a pleasure to see new faces and learn new personalities.

On the first day, we ran a "mini" fall schedule so the students could go back to the classes and receive their grades for the semester. All my classes came and went--and I was glad to send them off.

The human side of me wanted to do nothing with my rotten apples. I simply wanted the 15 mins to run by as fast as possible. And it did. They came and went with hardly words spoke as if we were ex friends or something like that.

The next day I was on lunch duty. Stand there. Watch the lines. Make sure no one cuts. Pretty standard.  You see a lot of students in the lines. The line had died down and no one was really walking through. Then came one of the worst kids I had in my second block. again, the human part of me, wanted to act like he was not even there. i smiled looked away. and then the simple question came, "How are your classes going Mrs. Brandon?"

That question may not be important to anyone else, but spoke volumes to me. He didn't have to ask me that. He didn't have to even speak to me. If you knew this kid, he acts like he could care less about anything or anyone, but with the question he asked me, it proves it's just a front. The thoughtful, sweet, caring question shows me who he is at his core. While it may not mean anything to anyone else, I see through the question which tells me so many things--it tells me he cares.

I talked to another teacher who knew this kid and his family really well told me that his question means more than you ever realize. it means i love you. it means thank you for caring. its means you go there. you got to me and i thank you for that.

so next time, i'll come across these students.. i'll remember my "rotten" apple.. 

2012.

Well, i guess i too will fall into the ills of social media pressure and write my happenings of 2012. it was such great year why not? :)

-I finished my first year of teaching.
-Had my first surgery ever? haha
-Moved into my first apartment with a boy!
-Celebrated my niece's first birthday :)
-Watched my brother get his junior ring.
-Was married to my best friend.
-Had *in my opinion* the best wedding ever!
-Watched 3 great friends get married.
-Traveled to Florida with my husband.
-Finally met Cinderella.
-Started my second year of teaching.
-Developed deeper friendships with co-workers.
-Validated friendships with old friends.
-Created new friendships with special friends.
-Kicked out of a place i'd never thought i'd be hahaha
-Traveled to Mississippi with my husband.
-Had a first & last dance with my dad :)
-Celebrated 4th of July--Disney style!
-Plenty of firsts experiences in life.
-turned 24.
-Ended the year with the flu ;)

There's many things I don't think I'd want to list for everyone's enjoyment but these are the few for sure that have touched my heart. In retrospect, 2012 i feel like I started to live. I guess this means 2013 will be the year i soar.

;)

teaching.

Alas, this semester at school has ended. Although I had become quite fond of something of those students, time came for them to flutter off to bigger and better things.

I believe that hind sight is always 20/20 and only then do you have a picture of how things could have been improved or played out better.

typically, this cycle of thoughts stay with me and help me to improve on the next upcoming angels I may or may not have.

upon looking back, i learned many things from these teens. some was the typical: you are becoming better at your job; it just takes time kind of lesson. others not so much.

as terrible as i believe one particular block to be, i look back with pride knowing that "i got this" and i have more endurance and patience because of them. my only hope, my only wish is that they learned something from me. not out of my own conceit, but out of a desperate hope for their future. i sincerely and utterly hope that the direction they are going is not the direction that they continue in life. my heart truly breaks at the thought that they come through, not just my class, but school to learn nothing but scheming, games, and drama. my hope is that they see there is more to life.

as for me, i do think that many problems are 50/50 each person plays a role in the situation. there is more that i need to understand with the students. i believe that setting the bar too low and no expecting them to surpass it is a great defeat that I caused for this particular group.  i need to remember that each student has the potential to be an Enstein. my job is not only to make sure they can *see* that, but to foster and reveal that to them as well.

here's to next semester! and may it be better for everyone. 

December.

Writing a blog has taken a backseat to my life lately. Not intentionally I don't believe, but just out of habit.

The month is now december and it is one of my favorite times of the year. a time of hope. happiness. love. family. friends. gifts.  Lovely little things that make me believe again in humanity. believe in life.

As for school, I have one more week left before we are out for the break and then get another set of new students to bring in the new semester. I always find it a sad time to see some of those students go into another class and leave me behind, but that's when i have to remember that they are moving on to become lovely, productive law abiding (hopefully) citizens. :)

With all the craziness that has happened to me this past semester, having this season is nice to have because reflection on the past & future makes me realize just how amazing i have it in my life.

other than that, i'll try to update soon! miss writing to you. hope i havent kept you bored readers.

xoxo whitney

thankful.

i always have problems with holidays. they seem to emphasize things that should be an outward expression of emotion throughout the entire year and not just centralized around one particular day or season of the year.

but despite my feelings about that subject, i am thankful for the people in my life. particularly, the ones who are consistently influencing and challenging me to be better. those of recent, and those of old. and those of whom i do not know yet. family. friends. spouse. i am thankful.

have a great thanksgiving all.

much love from this little teacher :)

revelation.

recently, i have made a realization about my life.

i've been completely numb for the past three and a half years.
let me clarify something first.. yes i felt the joys of marriage and my wedding. and the moments with my friends and family. i've enjoyed holiday breaks. i've enjoyed life in general. but, i have not -felt- emotion, feelings.

i think i may mean on a more spiritual level. i haven't been faking a smile or anything. i feel like i have been genuine in my actions when others are around but on the inside i have just felt empty and numb. like, my heart has been on shut down.

i have been so tired of not -feeling- i have continuously wished and hoped and even sometimes prayed that God would just let me feel. and sometimes, though rarely, i have. but none like i use to. in the past, when i did something wrong, and i knew it was wrong, i would feel the guilt, the "badness" of it so to speak. even something simple, i would feel the pain. the guilt.

Same goes for the goodness, I would feel the pride in myself. i would feel the happiness. i would feel.

for these past years, i've tried not to remember or feel anything i guess. i think it can partially be blamed on me; partially on the situation. but there have been things from that day that i now remember. things that for some reason, my mind blocked from memory until recently. things that have caused me to feel. every heart wrenching emotion. every consequence because of it. i can now feel.

the night before jonah died, he called me. i remember it so clearly now. i remember waking up at about 2 or 3 or some odd hour of the night and seeing his number but i didn't answer because i was half asleep. i told myself i'd call later. i remember this so well on the couch by the window in the living room trailer where i use to sleep when i lived with my parents in the old house. i was going to jenny's brother's wedding the next day. i didn't think much of the phone call but now i wish i had. on the way to the wedding i remember the spot i was at on the road when it hit me that i really needed to call him back. it was on highway 171 out of anacoco past the bridge. there was  a blue/white church on the left where they sale firecrackers. i remember this... i had my red mustang then. and i told myself i'll call after the wedding. and after the wedding, i got the call.

since i've remembered this, i have felt. and because i -feel- somewhat now. i have ran. and still am running. and i have been trying to push the limits so to speak in my life so i will forget. so i won't remember. i know it seems like this is all i think about. it is actually not. the situation is one of the only things that i need to sort out and process. it's just taken so long for me to actually do it because of the state of denial. does this mean i am just past the first stage of grief? i hope not; actually no,  i know i am well past that stage. maybe this means i am well on my way to accepting it?

either way, i have been pushing the limits. doing things i know i shouldn't do and hoping to get some kind of feeling from it. i didn't realize i was doing such things. but one thing i know for sure, last night, i finally -felt- something.

ps. don't worry about me if you are reading this please; i truly am just trying to process information. think of this as my psychiatrist that is free ;)

oh the days of teaching. funny how i thought this would be about me teaching when in all actuality its more about what is teaching me.